big idiot i am, coder i am not

 when i first wrote a bunch of gibberish about being consecutively something or the other i was not actually going to do it. then i left FOREVER! so, instead, i'm not a consecutive anything: i'm just a really big idiot.

i think i finally figured out what route i want things to go here, so i guess if my leave of absence meant anything it would be that (i also think blogspot has finally figured out that i won't be capitalizing shit on here. thank god you joined in on the senselessness, google! you will never understand why i do it simply because i also have no idea! the customer in this case is not always, nor right. she is just, like i said, a really big idiot)

before i start doing what i actually want to do around here, i thought id share a couple thoughts---------

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there ARE no thoughts! when i stopped posting on here, all my thoughts the entire month of April didn't last more than five seconds after formulation. that was the entire POINT of this!!!!!! i made this because i didn't want to forget my Epic Adventures and Life Changing, Philosophically Challenging Thoughts and Ideas! what Epic Adventures and Life Changing, Philosophically Challenging Thoughts and Ideas?  everything i do is an Epic Adventure and Life Changing, Philosophically Challenging Thought and Idea. like this whole exchange, for instance. this wasn't just some senseless tangent, this is a mission! i was just trying to catch you off guard. i fully know that you are in possession of the Super Important [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED], and i need to retrieve it. and i know you have it. i am right behind you. no, im invisible. that's why you couldn't see me when you turned around. you would've if i wasn't totally invisible. im wearing a peacoat.

it's a simple story, really. i am tom hardy... huckleberry finn? i must've scrambled my list of people with cartoonish names. nonetheless, i definitely am named Santiago and have been awaiting a fish for 84 days. i also have a nice brand new harpoon, and i hope i wont have to use it.

jokes aside, the old man and the sea always makes me cry when i read it. on a less sentimental note, i too am salao, Santiago. 

since i clearly am the adventurer type, like my comrades (we're actually in a gang. harry potter, tarzan, hell even mark twain makes it to a couple meetings. i hear all this talk about meeting in a quad near a bar and settling scores and stuff, but that is some fictional gang garbage. you can trust me since i clearly am in a real one. we rented out a real nice place in a real nice building that has a name i cant remember... ill let you know if i do. but more importantly we definitely kill things. normally weeds on people's lawns if we decide to collectively work a summer job. we also have leather jackets, rest assured), i need to have a place to outlet my great stories. cue blogspot. so if i take a break, where will i chronicle the month that ends up missed? like last month! when i did a thing and then another really cool thing. it was so fucking cool, auspicious reader. but you have no fucking idea! because i didn't write it down. that is the exact problem with leaving this thing unattended. so with that i will let you know that it will not be abandoned! i will (probably) be back at a (somewhat) regular pace (this could be a total lie) and i am happy to do so (yeah i actually am) (if i actually do so).

in other news, i deleted instagram off my phone. the first few days were mega boring but eventually i was just happier to do other useless things on my phone instead, like High School Story, a game that my friend made me play once, and teaching myself computer science. yup, that's right. NO need for a geeky friend after all folks! i will take it upon myself to save the masses...

(The Masses, Population: 1. Me)

...so maybe everything will change. not. got you! do i strike you as someone who could handle coding? i guess you technically don't know me, but no. the answer is no. i think you can gather it from literally any part of my personality. it's the no-est go if i've ever seen one. if i was able to code however, i would happily make my first order of business destroying the masses...

(The Masses, but a different one. Sort of like how there are two Miami Universities. Population: 1. You)

... jokes! never would i ever (except for casualties while retrieving the Super Important [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]) destroy you. you're a (fictional) reader of my blog! thank you (if readers existed) so much for reading my blog! 

life is admittedly a bit better for me without the whole social media shebang. i don't discredit anyone for using it though and i probably am not taking a permanent break. im not looking to be pretentious or a conservationist for a time i never lived through, ie "anything before the 90's was so much better without our cellular phones!" as much as that is probably (definitely) true, that is not the world we live in anymore. i can make the choice to take a break but that doesn't mean anyone should shame anyone who sticks around. because that is simply all we know. besides, im not one to really know much about the times. i write on a blog.

anyway, my absence has helped my mental state a bit, just because elements of the whole thing definitely just chipped away at my perception of myself. since this specifically isn't supposed to be an article about self image or anything like that i won't get into it, although if that is a way you feel you definitely are not alone. what i mean is that i was never really good at it anyway (that being whatever you're supposed to do when you log onto an app), which while being strange that it's something i feel someone can be good at, it does make a lot of sense. im guessing social media platforms started out being a way for people to talk to each other and share what they're up to, which eventually remained that and a bit more. nowadays, it might feel like a way to check out who's doing better or worse than you (in some cases anyway! i do know of a lot of people who really post because they're actually having a nice day. that is, although a contradiction, one of my favorite things in the world). if you have the capability to turn a blind eye at some stressful things about it, that is so awesome! for me, the issue wasn't so much what other people wanted to achieve with a post but rather what i'd do as a result of seeing it. among many other things, life started seeming unnatural. that is NOT referring to appearance but rather emotion. i didn't think meeting people was normal anymore, which was extremely heightened by this whole pandemic thing going on. i missed the conversations you had with people at parties and the feeling of asking for a pencil at school, along with the school projects you had with a group you couldn't pick yourself. as much as people dreaded it, being new at school last year made me hope for it. since i dont consider myself good at being myself online (the issue lies within not knowing who the hell is looking back at me when i look in the mirror as it is. ill let you know once i figure it out), when everything became forcibly online on every front i just didn't know how to do it. so now i've given up. i feel much better! all in all, not being a natural (and vice versa) at a game that is relatively new (that being the internet) is totally okay, although im sure you already know that. we'll make it baby!!!! 

in the end, i just really like talking (i could easily end the sentence there) to people... in real life!! and im sure with time it'll get better. until then, i have plenty to share about my misses and such, which is all part of the new plan i have for this whole thing. i guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out!! i also need to post those drafts i mentioned last post (you know, the one millenniums ago?) so ill just title those off as old news and carry on. times change friends! don't let time change you... or something??? maybe you should. like if you're a serial killer or abusive or the kind of person that would be in possession of Super Important [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] then you should probably change. change after i get it back from you though! that's my paycheck we're talking about, so i guess i'll have to see you in the slammer buddy.

oh also, my gang's meeting place? i remembered. it's called Cube Smart.

-emogirl633

here's what i was listening to this whole time!!!!!!!!! (no links, emogirl633?!?!!?! have you no mercy!??!?!)

Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne

Space Boy by Splender

Bang by Eve 6

High by Slow Pulp

PS. i quit smoking =p