xfiles with the lights off

draft from july 12, 2021

since my last post i have started listening to breaking benjamin again. is that enough info? can i leave this document as is?

speaking of the document, i've come on here more times than i could count in the past two months. i simply could not write anything of substance. i know no substance. i sure do have more open ended drafts than i could count though.

some highlights

-i bought purple nail polish yesterday

-i got a new job at an ice cream shop last week and it was a total bummer

-i am jobless again

-i may be beginning to lose my grip again

-disappointment and all its associates: necessary? mandatory? something like a rite of passage? or simply something to just do? do we do things that suck just to keep the ball rolling? to keep the story interesting? if so, blue pill it is.

-i start college next month

-misery absolutely does not like company

that's all for now! i guess i'll see you later.

Monkey by Counting Crows

Sad Sweetheart of the Rodeo by Harvey Danger

One Week by Barenaked Ladies

big idiot i am, coder i am not

 when i first wrote a bunch of gibberish about being consecutively something or the other i was not actually going to do it. then i left FOREVER! so, instead, i'm not a consecutive anything: i'm just a really big idiot.

i think i finally figured out what route i want things to go here, so i guess if my leave of absence meant anything it would be that (i also think blogspot has finally figured out that i won't be capitalizing shit on here. thank god you joined in on the senselessness, google! you will never understand why i do it simply because i also have no idea! the customer in this case is not always, nor right. she is just, like i said, a really big idiot)

before i start doing what i actually want to do around here, i thought id share a couple thoughts---------

-

-

-

there ARE no thoughts! when i stopped posting on here, all my thoughts the entire month of April didn't last more than five seconds after formulation. that was the entire POINT of this!!!!!! i made this because i didn't want to forget my Epic Adventures and Life Changing, Philosophically Challenging Thoughts and Ideas! what Epic Adventures and Life Changing, Philosophically Challenging Thoughts and Ideas?  everything i do is an Epic Adventure and Life Changing, Philosophically Challenging Thought and Idea. like this whole exchange, for instance. this wasn't just some senseless tangent, this is a mission! i was just trying to catch you off guard. i fully know that you are in possession of the Super Important [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED], and i need to retrieve it. and i know you have it. i am right behind you. no, im invisible. that's why you couldn't see me when you turned around. you would've if i wasn't totally invisible. im wearing a peacoat.

it's a simple story, really. i am tom hardy... huckleberry finn? i must've scrambled my list of people with cartoonish names. nonetheless, i definitely am named Santiago and have been awaiting a fish for 84 days. i also have a nice brand new harpoon, and i hope i wont have to use it.

jokes aside, the old man and the sea always makes me cry when i read it. on a less sentimental note, i too am salao, Santiago. 

since i clearly am the adventurer type, like my comrades (we're actually in a gang. harry potter, tarzan, hell even mark twain makes it to a couple meetings. i hear all this talk about meeting in a quad near a bar and settling scores and stuff, but that is some fictional gang garbage. you can trust me since i clearly am in a real one. we rented out a real nice place in a real nice building that has a name i cant remember... ill let you know if i do. but more importantly we definitely kill things. normally weeds on people's lawns if we decide to collectively work a summer job. we also have leather jackets, rest assured), i need to have a place to outlet my great stories. cue blogspot. so if i take a break, where will i chronicle the month that ends up missed? like last month! when i did a thing and then another really cool thing. it was so fucking cool, auspicious reader. but you have no fucking idea! because i didn't write it down. that is the exact problem with leaving this thing unattended. so with that i will let you know that it will not be abandoned! i will (probably) be back at a (somewhat) regular pace (this could be a total lie) and i am happy to do so (yeah i actually am) (if i actually do so).

in other news, i deleted instagram off my phone. the first few days were mega boring but eventually i was just happier to do other useless things on my phone instead, like High School Story, a game that my friend made me play once, and teaching myself computer science. yup, that's right. NO need for a geeky friend after all folks! i will take it upon myself to save the masses...

(The Masses, Population: 1. Me)

...so maybe everything will change. not. got you! do i strike you as someone who could handle coding? i guess you technically don't know me, but no. the answer is no. i think you can gather it from literally any part of my personality. it's the no-est go if i've ever seen one. if i was able to code however, i would happily make my first order of business destroying the masses...

(The Masses, but a different one. Sort of like how there are two Miami Universities. Population: 1. You)

... jokes! never would i ever (except for casualties while retrieving the Super Important [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]) destroy you. you're a (fictional) reader of my blog! thank you (if readers existed) so much for reading my blog! 

life is admittedly a bit better for me without the whole social media shebang. i don't discredit anyone for using it though and i probably am not taking a permanent break. im not looking to be pretentious or a conservationist for a time i never lived through, ie "anything before the 90's was so much better without our cellular phones!" as much as that is probably (definitely) true, that is not the world we live in anymore. i can make the choice to take a break but that doesn't mean anyone should shame anyone who sticks around. because that is simply all we know. besides, im not one to really know much about the times. i write on a blog.

anyway, my absence has helped my mental state a bit, just because elements of the whole thing definitely just chipped away at my perception of myself. since this specifically isn't supposed to be an article about self image or anything like that i won't get into it, although if that is a way you feel you definitely are not alone. what i mean is that i was never really good at it anyway (that being whatever you're supposed to do when you log onto an app), which while being strange that it's something i feel someone can be good at, it does make a lot of sense. im guessing social media platforms started out being a way for people to talk to each other and share what they're up to, which eventually remained that and a bit more. nowadays, it might feel like a way to check out who's doing better or worse than you (in some cases anyway! i do know of a lot of people who really post because they're actually having a nice day. that is, although a contradiction, one of my favorite things in the world). if you have the capability to turn a blind eye at some stressful things about it, that is so awesome! for me, the issue wasn't so much what other people wanted to achieve with a post but rather what i'd do as a result of seeing it. among many other things, life started seeming unnatural. that is NOT referring to appearance but rather emotion. i didn't think meeting people was normal anymore, which was extremely heightened by this whole pandemic thing going on. i missed the conversations you had with people at parties and the feeling of asking for a pencil at school, along with the school projects you had with a group you couldn't pick yourself. as much as people dreaded it, being new at school last year made me hope for it. since i dont consider myself good at being myself online (the issue lies within not knowing who the hell is looking back at me when i look in the mirror as it is. ill let you know once i figure it out), when everything became forcibly online on every front i just didn't know how to do it. so now i've given up. i feel much better! all in all, not being a natural (and vice versa) at a game that is relatively new (that being the internet) is totally okay, although im sure you already know that. we'll make it baby!!!! 

in the end, i just really like talking (i could easily end the sentence there) to people... in real life!! and im sure with time it'll get better. until then, i have plenty to share about my misses and such, which is all part of the new plan i have for this whole thing. i guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out!! i also need to post those drafts i mentioned last post (you know, the one millenniums ago?) so ill just title those off as old news and carry on. times change friends! don't let time change you... or something??? maybe you should. like if you're a serial killer or abusive or the kind of person that would be in possession of Super Important [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] then you should probably change. change after i get it back from you though! that's my paycheck we're talking about, so i guess i'll have to see you in the slammer buddy.

oh also, my gang's meeting place? i remembered. it's called Cube Smart.

-emogirl633

here's what i was listening to this whole time!!!!!!!!! (no links, emogirl633?!?!!?! have you no mercy!??!?!)

Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne

Space Boy by Splender

Bang by Eve 6

High by Slow Pulp

PS. i quit smoking =p

consecutive executive

 i took a leave of absence that i consistently told myself wouldn't become consecutive. it became consecutive.

i have a couple drafts i'm going to post at the same time in order to make up for my lack of posts and such, but right now i wanted to talk about a couple things of more substance than Scream movie remake pitches and the highs and lows of creating an html.

firstly, a couple days ago, i found myself at odds. it was Spring Break, and i was bored out of my mind. while Spring Break's a subject i'd like to find myself back to, right now what i really want to focus on is how bored i was. sadly, when im that bored, i am full of dread and i choose to smoke. but by this point of my specific walk of life i was really trying to quit, and so i searched something up on the internet: should i stop smoking?

i find it funny because i really wonder what i was expecting. of course i should stop smoking. everyone should stop smoking. and while i have yet to have severe health ailments as a result of the whole thing, it is still something that my life would clearly be better without. and i just really wanted someone to tell me anything but a yes... 

(a list of equally invalid responses)

-very well 

-perhaps 

-uh yeah 

-duh 

-affirmative 

-definitely 

-roger that 

-righto

-correct 

-indubitably

-ding ding ding 

-you betcha

-no...

-

-

-...just kidding

and so on.

...but of course all i got were tips on how to stop. how to combat these ludicrous withdrawal symptoms. fight the insomnia with a sword. the nausea with your fists. the cravings with ... who knows? because that's just the worst part. that's the part that's up to you. and i know! i know we all know drugs are bad for you and we have it drilled into our heads from a young age, we D.A.R.E and all that garbage that eventually become shirts to lounge around in (dare to be a better person i say! or to wear moccasins! either or), but if we all really, really know that, why do over 21 million Americans have some sort of an addiction? why do demographics for drug use start with people ages 12 and up? because it's complicated. this isn't my take on drug abuse standing from a high chair (not sitting, but standing. watching. judging). it's not. im not going to be the person to lecture everyone about how we're all failing each other and our kids and ourselves. because drug addiction is scary. it's a world. one you feel like you can't leave. one you end up at because you wanted to leave the real world in the first place. how can someone stop using if they're not convinced the world they want to leave so badly every time isn't going to be any better if they come back. if they have the idea that there is no welcome sign or tray of cookies for their neighbors bring around on their return. not to mention the part where your body likes it elsewhere too now. what are you coming back to? 

my issue is minor, truly, and im not in the business of making it more than it is. it's just nicotine. im alive. my decisions are all my own. there are so many worse situations to be in than this one. this isn't a piece on the undertakings of the drug world from my own personal perspective. i just haven't lived it. i'm lucky for that. but one of the biggest problems is the fact that many don't consider it luck; they consider it good decision making. and the fact of the matter is that yes, to this point in my life i have consciously chosen to not become enthralled in an affair with a needle and various household wirings or that of powder and a lighter, and so on. but i don't see it as a decision. i was lucky enough to have not grown up in certain atmospheres. to not have been under certain emotional distress. to not have felt the need to dive into the deep end. and while i feel like ive been in a deep end before, it wasn't of the same type and that might just be the whole point. maybe one deep end leads you to another. but the biggest issue is stigmatizing the whole ordeal, stigmatizing rehab and relapsing and being left with nothing in the end (because even if someone does seem to have everything, they end up without themselves. that's not everything), but then not address the thing that could trap any naive mind in every circumstance, the thing being mental illness. the monster in the closet you don't even know to look out for. that you can't beg your parents to check for. because it's simply in you. so, in reference to the first deep end, you're swimming in deep water. you don't recognize yourself anymore. you don't want to be in your head anymore. and so you opt out of it. the check box you've been staring at for no long is now ticked no. so then comes the second deep end. half of those who have some sort of mental break in their lives will also end up developing a substance abuse disorder, and vice versa. and while the vice versa may seem to entail a reverse deep end equation, it doesn't. because if you leap straight into the second one, it being the substance abuse, the repercussions that come afterwards are not a conscious feat. you may not even realize you're swimming in a whole different pool.

midway into me writing this im questioning who im telling this all to. while holding back all the jokes i can make about how there aren't really any readers out there, it will still beg the question: who do i expect to be taking the time to read this right now? who could possibly care about my very weak take on drug use  and the way it's treated in the 21st century? one that isn't even substantiated by some sort of touching personal experience and newfound will to make it through it. those stories are the ones to be proud of, and this isn't that story. if it's those who are drug addicted themselves that im trying so hard to reach, why? why would they care what i have to say? the answer is that im not striving to touch any hearts. i just want to say what's on my mind. in my day to day life i think about so many things. things i forget about. things i remember forever. about three weeks ago, i decided to do something about it. so i found a free website (after the whole html debacle, of course), and sat down in class. and i just typed. and here we are. that's what this is. well, maybe not this specifically. this post has no identity or job description or body. it's simply what i think is wrong. it has no authority or professional backing (other than any research i do for any concrete claims i make, such as statistics and statements. that's simply to not put any sort of ignorant ideas out there. the world has enough of that), and i'd like to formally inform you that nothing i will ever write on here will. so this surface level approach to the profoundly painful truths of drug addiction is what i hope someday becomes adept and more importantly accepted. it's something i had no idea how to segue into when i started writing this yesterday and got stalled on the first couple sentences. the truth is that today i figured it all out. on here, i don't have to segue. i can ditch the whole idea. i spend my time in real life explaining everything i say and why i say it. but if there's no method to any madness as many say, why do i do it? why always have a method? or, more like, why do i think i have to? it's a stupid habit, and one that's getting buried today. along with the hatchet. all the hatchets. perhaps even with the elephant in every single room. so with that i will tell you that i have a very intense concern for the treatment of mental illness in people in the US (and in general, respectively), and the way people struggling with substance abuse are regarded no matter their social status, economic status, gender, race, and any other box you could possibly put anyone into. both of these things are social issues that are dehumanizing, and frankly disgusting. and they're among many other things i have a problem with. when i started writing this i had a really big impulse to name this "Things I Have a Problem With" or some ridiculous derivative of that, but the casualty of it is infectious. while i technically do have a problem with these things, i also have a problem with sharing the road with bicyclists. both of these things are on very different planes. i'm not minimizing mental entrapment by bundling it with some inconsistent form of road rage. so i'm opting to simply not call this anything. to let this be an in-consecutive occurrence on this site. the second it becomes planned is the second it no longer holds merit and is no longer genuine. 

 i think i should say that i personally know someone who struggles with drug addiction, and lately it's been a matter of trying to understand. there's a certain point where i probably won't be able to understand, and that's ok. it's something i've found myself caring a lot about, because you never want to see someone you know and care/have cared for harming themselves. but that's what it is sometimes. drugs and people are the slow burn romance you never asked for. Romeo and Juliet, with the poison taking lead billing. i also know someone close to me who struggles with schizophrenia. i've seen the lows and the peaks of it all, which was truly heartbreaking to see, and yet nothing as bad as what they could've been going through. i think that's what most of us need to remember. empathy in it's purest form is raw understanding, and it's a selfless feeling. it's horrible to see what mental illness can do to someone, but the guilt trip is a trip often short-lived. it's important to not be an enabler while still making sure the person knows the world doesn't think they're a psychopath. society still has a way to go with that one. and as for my friend with the vice, i think she'll be okay. the unfortunate part is that i used to know for sure.

 i decided to leave what i said so far as is. i want to come back to it when i have more to say in the way i want to say it. so i will. but i do appreciate you reading to this point, even past the blatant (mutual) confusion and begging of the question of where exactly is she going with this? so thank you. and please respect everyone who's going through something, and everyone who isn't. because that's technically as far as you know, right? 

 i just finished revising and i realized i brought up Spring Break with zero follow up! i truly have nothing to add anymore! spring break is sick, truly, but i think this year its filed under real misses. it's simple:

-  i did not wash up on the set of MTV's Spring Break special

-there was no live performance by the All American Rejects or T.I. or anyone else, really

- it was NOTHING like the breaks The O.C had me convinced of. every year i anticipate it, and it's always a let down. there was no whipped cream, southern love interests, jilted bible club boyfriends, accidentally getting involved with a prostitute, staying at the Hard Rock, dating of Seth Cohen, overdose in an alleyway, hitching a ride to town in a chicken pen, etc. there wasn't even a Range Rover! and i actually LIVE in one of the places they visited in an episode. spring break really sucked, man. 

-this is more of a general complaint, but my life does not have the likes of Imogen Heap, Jack's Mannequin, Fountains of Wayne, Nada Surf, The Dandy Warhols, Guster...  sheesh. and so ON... playing in the background of any ridiculously interesting drama i have going on. and with that, i'll let you in on the extremely scientific fact that The O.C is, if you didn't know, in my mind, i mean in scientistic fact's minds, of course, the best show that has ever ran on tv. but more on that later.

- i did not go to the beach

- i did not black out

-there were many more issues

-trust me

 and lets not even get into the fact it's all kind of a competition and everyone wants to know who had the most fun at the best place. although, if we're being honest, the main tie breaker is whoever did the whole thing the trashiest, and that is NOT a statement made with judgement. being trashy is a lifestyle sub-genre i am a very, very big fan of. but more on that later. in fact, in the spirit of many, many more on that later's, i'll release my official checklist that would decide who REALLY would win at the whole spring break thing. look out for that one. and y'know what? spring breaks not over until it's over. i'm getting my redemption arc. or maybe just the redemption. or the arc. we'll see how it all goes. wish me luck.

 

 i'll consecutively be back here again. if not, ill consecutively not be here. the bottom line is that i'll do whatever i do consecutively. until i start being here sometimes. in which case i would be consecutively in-consecutive. or something.

-emogirl633

oh, and here's what i was listening to the whole time:

About a Girl by The Academy Is... :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M6ZvNmwGxs

Jane Says by Jane's Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7Q_8q3XXrQ

Once Was I by The Implants: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJGZ-xT9WF8

my friend wants to make his brain into origami

 i guess that's kind of awkward. i see it as his brain just lying on... his MOM’S LIFE... (how could it do such a thing?) and so it gets turned into swan origami as some biblical punishment. 

i'm joking.

what i really meant was that the godforsaken brain would be laid out on some sort of wooden table in the middle of a hostel (my friend has an affinity for those) just waiting. and so my friend, brainless of course, decides to make it into origami. because really, only the brainless of society would decide to make anything into origami. 

 

 i didn't initially plan on this being a take on origami slander, but i guess i could roll with it. i think the worst part of it all would be the fact that you cant use tape. i think tape is one of the greats of office supplies. of life as we know it, honestly. there's always this overarching theme in civilization that tape can just solve any problem we can ever run into. i know there's no direct way tape can solve something like, say, divorce...

(have you ever noticed how divorce is quite literally the end of the world to people? you can be in the dungeon looking place from Saw awaiting, i don't know, death, and then the archery doll would wheel in and grumble sweet nothings to you

(no, not really. have u seen Saw?) 

he'd voice distort the fuck out of your sanity and say he was going to do "horrible things to you" and then lead into what his plans are. i am going to do terrible things to you people! he'd say. everyone would gasp and somehow gravitate toward DIVORCE of all things. "you're going to make us go through a divorce trial?! those things are expensive you know. we can't just annul? what about the kids. the alimony. have you seen my wife? that bitch is never going to remarry."

 

SMALL DOLL: I truly, truly do not get paid enough for this. (revs up very big chainsaw)

 i guess if you see divorce as a synonym for divide, then the guesses would be somewhat right. chainsaw. the separation of head and neck. tongue and cheek. (speaking of, Relient K's first album truly is pretty great. im sure a youth group wouldn't want to be shouted out in such a blog post but we really don't all get what we want). there are a lot of parenthesis going on here. we're currently in one now actually, if you forgot. i guess i could work on that).

...nonetheless though, i think tape could fix a divorce. not one of the head chopping variety, but perhaps the latter. see, i envision it as someone having just gotten served at their front door. they're in shock (for some reason anyway, considering this was a shock to no one. he's walked in on his husband with the neighbor plenty of times. and he himself had gambled their boat savings in one weekend ((perhaps for the best)). but since we all need to be shocked at the ending of any relationship: wow! who would've guessed! the happy couple!) in a moment of desperation he runs over to his kitchen and grabs a roll of duct tape. he then waits, and im sure how this ends is very much a given. man comes home. man ties man to a chair. man makes him retract the divorce proceedings. its very simple and i apologize if you expected a big twist in which he feeds his almost ex husband to sharks with a taped up broken fishing rod (since owning any new piece of aquatic equipment is out of the question for aforementioned reasons) i guess i just think tape should be reserved for salvable instances, since clearly being duct taped on a chair isn't the most effective mode of being a functional person. 

then again, if being rash is wrong, i don't want to be right!

i really need to revisit Saw really fast. i don't think it should be left as is. it's important, i promise:

SMALL USELESS DOLL: Hello useless members of society, I guess I'm here to make you guys pay

PERSON A, a stock broker: Okay, thats enough. Could you untie me? This is getting ridiculous. I didn't think I would be here all day. I would've paid for parking if I did. There's no need to get hasty.

SMALL DOLL: No, not parking. I meant for your sins or something. I didn't review the script. This is a fucking student film.

PERSON B, kidnapped out of bible study: I need my allergy medication.

PERSON A: (turning over to PERSON B) Hey, could you just lower it a couple notches? (turning back to SMALL DOLL) Listen guy, I have places to go. I'm almost closing on a house. My wife's pregnant. Could you please just tell me what tow company covers this area? Is it Citadel? Beach Tow? I could talk to my sister about it if you could kick the phone right there over to me--

PERSON B: I need my inhaler

PERSON A AND SMALL DOLL: Can you shut the fuck up?

PERSON A: Really could you kick the phone over to me it's been ringing for a while and it could be my prescription ready for pick up.

SMALL DOLL: I'm not kicking you the-- do you understand where the fuck you are right now? 

PERSON B: I don't feel so well

PERSON A: Well isn't that the truth! You look fucking terrible

SMALL DOLL: (laughing) You know, it's crazy this cold storage locker wouldn't make him feel comfortable. I actually booked it for comfort. The ad read "Cozy, Comfortable storage locker riddled blood stains! Minutes from City Center. Free parking. Must see." 

PERSON A: So there is free parking. What's wrong with you?

PERSON B: (falls over)

PERSON A: Seriously you look disgusting. 

SMALL DOLL: It's probably the bleeding artery

PERSON A: No man, look at this guy. He left the house in that. We can't make excuses for this train wreck. It stems farther than his jaundiced eyes. Speaking of, ever heard of eye drops? Buddy?

PERSON B: Please help me

PERSON A: Where'd they find this guy?

SMALL DOLL: No chance I could remember. They were the back up to the back up.

PERSON A: Back ups huh. What was I? I had to be first right.

SMALL  DOLL: No-- what the fuck? Why does that matter?

PERSON A: I'm in great shape. You had to notice. 

SMALL  DOLL: You are deadass here to get murdered  

PERSON A: Yeah shh shh I was first pick correct? You're kind of getting me aggravated man. It's like 90 degrees in here and you won't answer my questions. 

SD: I am planning on stabbing you 74 times. You are here so I can brew your blood and feed it to my elderly grandmother.

PA: You know what they called guys like you in the academy? Lassies.

SD: I am anticipating hanging your flesh on a clothes line. Why are you-- I'm sorry, did you say academy? I didn't get you from the academy

PA: So you remember where you got me

SD: Yes, but

PA: So you remember me and my

SD: You're a stock broker

PA: unmistakable brawn 

SD: There is no academy for stock brokers

PA: necessary in this competition

SD: Necessary in this... what do you think this is jack ass?

PA: Tryouts

SD: Tryouts for

PA: Wipeout

a gift: https://www.auditionsfree.com/tag/wipeout-casting/

i'm not in the state of mind to delve directly into what happens in my super anonymous personal life, although i do think it's a matter of time. all you need to know for now is this:

- i'm currently trying to graduate on time

- i'm in the process of officially owning a preowned Volkswagen Golf (that i love)

- i'm waiting for an order of CDs (packed with the likes of Neck Deep's The Peace and the Panic and Zeppelin's Led Zeppelin II alike)

-my days are extraordinarily numbered.

that's it on that for now! haha!

 i do want to throw in that if you happen to be reading this, remember to love everyone that loves you back. it's really meaningful if you really think about it. and if you ever find yourself not doing that, don't feel inclined to mutilate your brain. just regroup. play it by ear. life's got some pretty cool amenities, like trees and free parking after 6 in some places. you know people go crazy over that. and when you take that all into account, it's impossible to not feel inclined to love the hell out of this place. and everyone in it. you just have to keep an eye out for the right things.

in the end, i guess my friend shouldn't do anything crazy to his brain. assuming he does though, i guess everything fixable with tape. except origami. definitely not origami.

-emogirl633

oh, and here's what i was listening to the whole time:

 

I'm Not Alright - Sanctus Real: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5oY2oYKHFY

July - We Were Sharks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-Zhs7x4iOo

Can't Get Away - Third Eye Blind: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EMzkt-dZNU

I So Hate Consequences - Relient K: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E41WK9-ZGIM

Vladimir Nabokov says to turn on red

on the drive to school today i started thinking about a couple things:

1. can any of us actually turn on red?

that was a JOKE. i know we can turn on red. in fact, i know we can do anything on red. text, continue forward, everything. the real question is what you're going to tell the family you murdered

what? you literally just murdered them. 

 i know, i know. you really wanted to get to Carrabba's in time for lunch. 

speaking of what do you usually order lol i know people rly hate the calamari which is weird since half the people there are ocean mammals. 

right? parking's always a hassle. 

has anyone ever told you blue's your color? sorry lol i just had to let you know

haha yeah i've been trying out some foreign face masks lately thanks for noticing. 

no yeah the police are so loopy sometimes! you'd think all the blood and screaming would forage some sort of reaction. 

 if you're not doing anything Friday i have a court hearing in the morning for-- YES this exact situation! family of 6, you know how it goes. 

 uh i think the kid is asking for her albuterol. 

 i know, asthma's lame.

how can you still not see them? they're lying right over there by the big wolf. 

oh, sure, now you can see them enough to step on the phone they were reaching for. now look at what you've gotten us into.

...given the gravity of the situation, i'm not sure what's appropriate. an all inclusive trip to Sandals? an Olive Garden gift card? i guess you could do jail time, but we all have work in the morning. they'll just have to understand.

2. okay, this one's really important

 i was considering saying something important here.

3. when white men were the most common readers and writers, what did that mean for the literary community?

this one is truly moderately concerning. what was their version of present day airport novels? the weird romance ones? you know what im talking about. would they stand around the well and converse about what a hunk Christoph Humphrey was when he wielded a sword to save you, the reader? you, the male reader? if it came down to female character to fall in love with, lets face it, they are more often than not extremely one dimensional. with a couple exceptions of course, including Elizabeth Bennet... wait that was written by Jane Austen, a woman... perhaps Jo March... nope she was also written by a woman... granted, im sure there are some respectable females written as non peripheral characters in books before the 19th century. but until we dive into some good old fashioned research, we have Lolita, and the message within Dolores being the book's namesake and, of course, symbolically reappearing as a disheveled housewife of sorts in the last few pages. thank goodness we do, because I was starting to feel a little too independent around here! perhaps the drawers need some dusting and the kitchen looks a little--...

the consensus i've reached, without any sort of deliberation, is that airport novels were very underground and sold by the likes of moonshine dealers. that, or the royals were really reading up a storm of broody and pecked out Magic Mikes. if these books were manufactured all the way back in medieval times it would explain a lot. starting with the book covers. jesters and photoshop are truly a combination that works.

3b. italics are very sultry

 i think this is really important. just take a look:

person a: calamari

person b: calamari

come on. ur completely seduced. 

- emogirl633 

oh, and here's what i was listening to this whole time:

I Want to Be Buried in Your Backyard - Nightmare Of You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1HctfS-H0M

Time We Had - The Mother Hips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBg5Nw8YsFc

 

***hey, before i go: i think "Lolita" is a really great book in terms of its writing quality and portrayal of an unreliable narrator. it's one of the first classics i ever read and therefore one of my favorites. i do also know of it's heavy set criticism, based on its heavy subject matter and portrayal of pedophilia, child fetishizing, grooming, kidnapping, statutory rape, etc. i agree with all of the criticism. i am no devils advocate. a hard to read book used by people with pedophilloic tendencies to get off should not have a devil's advocate. no matter the status the book undeniably holds among the literary community, it is by no means without questionability. the part in which Humbert finds Dolores after she ran away is pertinent to the development of Humbert's character and was a very strong depiction of child fetishization. i do understand the symbolism of that and of the whole book. while disgusting from a rational perspective, that was the character developed. my point in saying Dolores was discovered a shell of herself in the apartment Humbert finds her in works with the grueling change of perspective Humbert has. firstly, she has to be described the way she is way because this book is fully from Humbert's perspective. secondly, it staples the unmistakable dread the reader feels after reading an entire book of abuse toward Lolita just to reach an ending in which she is the one who has lost, with Humbert almost shrugging off his obsession with an otherwise still young Lolita. this is what i mean when i say the ending of Lolita portrayed Dolores as powerless, and the reasoning for the decision. it is 100% more profound than just a "disheveled housewife" seeing an old lover. Humbert is a sick individual and that was the point of the ending. that and the emotional toll the rest of the hundreds of pages took on the characters and the reader alike. please take the book as more of a vessel into a twisted mind than a work of a genius with a relatable and profound view on the world. ***

my geeky friend ate my golf club

 i'm here bc html is an htm-no for me. i tried doing the whole text edit thing and then i remembered i don't do. 

i got some advice from the creator of the original blog that ever existed, but it was a no go. he said there needed to be some sort of safety net for any issues that could be ran into.. 

(this all came after telling me to call my internet provider and ask for a domain. what kind of ship are u running here bud? u want me to call Frank Van Der Post? have you seen the guy? exactly. no one has. what am i supposed to say? "wud u spot me a domain, handsome?" what if i slip up? if he responded with "ofc, what's ur favorite thing about me Xx" and i said "your brown eyes" and he had no fucking eyes. we have absolutely no way of knowing if he has eyes) 

...so get a geeky smart friend he said. it's a pretty awkward situation if you think about it. geeks and i. if his technical advice was a no go, this part would be go, wait don't go. i thought the light was green. 

it was extraordinary baiting on his part. it's not like justin + i go way back. he wouldn't know the devastating consequences of me looking around for someone he's describing to help me out. but it's worth noting that those bridges are more than burned. if i went to register my newfound geek friend in the computersciencefriendregistry i would be met with a question:

"u can have a geek or a friend. pick one. please hold...

... yeah she's back...she says she wants a handout so she can make a website... yeah... no she doesn't seem to be out to get us... i know... no i won't let it happen again..."

 i don't think there'll ever be a day in which i'll be willing to indulge anyone on this, so i may just have to leave that there. there are certain rooms in a certain place a certain person attends that cannot be revisited. ever. and for now, that's the story so far.

 on the note of burnt bridges, out of all the things that actually matter in the world i find myself wondering how one specific *item in my room is doing. i lived in a room, as many do. and it burned one day. i hope your room never burns...

...not in an "i'm broken up about my room burning" kind of way. i just think that'd be awfully inconvenient, a fire.

everything burned (sort of an exaggeration on my part, but it seems lengthier for me to list out the specifics. so paint yourself the most morbid and alarming picture of a burnt room and roll with it. that's totally what my room looked like) except a random golf club that i got at goodwill. can you believe it? the stupid thing beat out my Lifehouse CD. it felt like the golf club thrived on the dread of the whole situation but then again of course it did.

 i know, i know, why'd i keep the thing? it's simple... responsibility. it had already been through so much. it's already a golf club. it already lives in a world of baseball bats. we already live in a world of baseball bats. 

the room's fine now i guess, i don't know. i don't live in it anymore. it's probably a gym or something now. hopefully the golf club saw its way out in the end.

so i guess we'll both be stuck at this address for a bit thanks to my inability to... make amends... use computers efficiently... among other things. so i guess i'll see you later 

-emogirl633 >:^)

*if you want to call it that

oh, and here's what i was listening to this whole time:

Big Vibe - Seaway: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1OQFkDvxzI

Reinventing Your Exit - Underoath: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOdfV1EjUgg