i took a leave of absence that i consistently told myself wouldn't become consecutive. it became consecutive.
i have a couple drafts i'm going to post at the same time in order to make up for my lack of posts and such, but right now i wanted to talk about a couple things of more substance than Scream movie remake pitches and the highs and lows of creating an html.
firstly, a couple days ago, i found myself at odds. it was Spring Break, and i was bored out of my mind. while Spring Break's a subject i'd like to find myself back to, right now what i really want to focus on is how bored i was. sadly, when im that bored, i am full of dread and i choose to smoke. but by this point of my specific walk of life i was really trying to quit, and so i searched something up on the internet: should i stop smoking?
i find it funny because i really wonder what i was expecting. of course i should stop smoking. everyone should stop smoking. and while i have yet to have severe health ailments as a result of the whole thing, it is still something that my life would clearly be better without. and i just really wanted someone to tell me anything but a yes...
(a list of equally invalid responses)
-very well
-perhaps
-uh yeah
-duh
-affirmative
-definitely
-roger that
-righto
-correct
-indubitably
-ding ding ding
-you betcha
-no...
-
-
-...just kidding
and so on.
...but of course all i got were tips on how to stop. how to combat these ludicrous withdrawal symptoms. fight the insomnia with a sword. the nausea with your fists. the cravings with ... who knows? because that's just the worst part. that's the part that's up to you. and i know! i know we all know drugs are bad for you and we have it drilled into our heads from a young age, we D.A.R.E and all that garbage that eventually become shirts to lounge around in (dare to be a better person i say! or to wear moccasins! either or), but if we all really, really know that, why do over 21 million Americans have some sort of an addiction? why do demographics for drug use start with people ages 12 and up? because it's complicated. this isn't my take on drug abuse standing from a high chair (not sitting, but standing. watching. judging). it's not. im not going to be the person to lecture everyone about how we're all failing each other and our kids and ourselves. because drug addiction is scary. it's a world. one you feel like you can't leave. one you end up at because you wanted to leave the real world in the first place. how can someone stop using if they're not convinced the world they want to leave so badly every time isn't going to be any better if they come back. if they have the idea that there is no welcome sign or tray of cookies for their neighbors bring around on their return. not to mention the part where your body likes it elsewhere too now. what are you coming back to?
my issue is minor, truly, and im not in the business of making it more than it is. it's just nicotine. im alive. my decisions are all my own. there are so many worse situations to be in than this one. this isn't a piece on the undertakings of the drug world from my own personal perspective. i just haven't lived it. i'm lucky for that. but one of the biggest problems is the fact that many don't consider it luck; they consider it good decision making. and the fact of the matter is that yes, to this point in my life i have consciously chosen to not become enthralled in an affair with a needle and various household wirings or that of powder and a lighter, and so on. but i don't see it as a decision. i was lucky enough to have not grown up in certain atmospheres. to not have been under certain emotional distress. to not have felt the need to dive into the deep end. and while i feel like ive been in a deep end before, it wasn't of the same type and that might just be the whole point. maybe one deep end leads you to another. but the biggest issue is stigmatizing the whole ordeal, stigmatizing rehab and relapsing and being left with nothing in the end (because even if someone does seem to have everything, they end up without themselves. that's not everything), but then not address the thing that could trap any naive mind in every circumstance, the thing being mental illness. the monster in the closet you don't even know to look out for. that you can't beg your parents to check for. because it's simply in you. so, in reference to the first deep end, you're swimming in deep water. you don't recognize yourself anymore. you don't want to be in your head anymore. and so you opt out of it. the check box you've been staring at for no long is now ticked no. so then comes the second deep end. half of those who have some sort of mental break in their lives will also end up developing a substance abuse disorder, and vice versa. and while the vice versa may seem to entail a reverse deep end equation, it doesn't. because if you leap straight into the second one, it being the substance abuse, the repercussions that come afterwards are not a conscious feat. you may not even realize you're swimming in a whole different pool.
midway into me writing this im questioning who im telling this all to. while holding back all the jokes i can make about how there aren't really any readers out there, it will still beg the question: who do i expect to be taking the time to read this right now? who could possibly care about my very weak take on drug use and the way it's treated in the 21st century? one that isn't even substantiated by some sort of touching personal experience and newfound will to make it through it. those stories are the ones to be proud of, and this isn't that story. if it's those who are drug addicted themselves that im trying so hard to reach, why? why would they care what i have to say? the answer is that im not striving to touch any hearts. i just want to say what's on my mind. in my day to day life i think about so many things. things i forget about. things i remember forever. about three weeks ago, i decided to do something about it. so i found a free website (after the whole html debacle, of course), and sat down in class. and i just typed. and here we are. that's what this is. well, maybe not this specifically. this post has no identity or job description or body. it's simply what i think is wrong. it has no authority or professional backing (other than any research i do for any concrete claims i make, such as statistics and statements. that's simply to not put any sort of ignorant ideas out there. the world has enough of that), and i'd like to formally inform you that nothing i will ever write on here will. so this surface level approach to the profoundly painful truths of drug addiction is what i hope someday becomes adept and more importantly accepted. it's something i had no idea how to segue into when i started writing this yesterday and got stalled on the first couple sentences. the truth is that today i figured it all out. on here, i don't have to segue. i can ditch the whole idea. i spend my time in real life explaining everything i say and why i say it. but if there's no method to any madness as many say, why do i do it? why always have a method? or, more like, why do i think i have to? it's a stupid habit, and one that's getting buried today. along with the hatchet. all the hatchets. perhaps even with the elephant in every single room. so with that i will tell you that i have a very intense concern for the treatment of mental illness in people in the US (and in general, respectively), and the way people struggling with substance abuse are regarded no matter their social status, economic status, gender, race, and any other box you could possibly put anyone into. both of these things are social issues that are dehumanizing, and frankly disgusting. and they're among many other things i have a problem with. when i started writing this i had a really big impulse to name this "Things I Have a Problem With" or some ridiculous derivative of that, but the casualty of it is infectious. while i technically do have a problem with these things, i also have a problem with sharing the road with bicyclists. both of these things are on very different planes. i'm not minimizing mental entrapment by bundling it with some inconsistent form of road rage. so i'm opting to simply not call this anything. to let this be an in-consecutive occurrence on this site. the second it becomes planned is the second it no longer holds merit and is no longer genuine.
i think i should say that i personally know someone who struggles with drug addiction, and lately it's been a matter of trying to understand. there's a certain point where i probably won't be able to understand, and that's ok. it's something i've found myself caring a lot about, because you never want to see someone you know and care/have cared for harming themselves. but that's what it is sometimes. drugs and people are the slow burn romance you never asked for. Romeo and Juliet, with the poison taking lead billing. i also know someone close to me who struggles with schizophrenia. i've seen the lows and the peaks of it all, which was truly heartbreaking to see, and yet nothing as bad as what they could've been going through. i think that's what most of us need to remember. empathy in it's purest form is raw understanding, and it's a selfless feeling. it's horrible to see what mental illness can do to someone, but the guilt trip is a trip often short-lived. it's important to not be an enabler while still making sure the person knows the world doesn't think they're a psychopath. society still has a way to go with that one. and as for my friend with the vice, i think she'll be okay. the unfortunate part is that i used to know for sure.
i decided to leave what i said so far as is. i want to come back to it when i have more to say in the way i want to say it. so i will. but i do appreciate you reading to this point, even past the blatant (mutual) confusion and begging of the question of where exactly is she going with this? so thank you. and please respect everyone who's going through something, and everyone who isn't. because that's technically as far as you know, right?
i just finished revising and i realized i brought up Spring Break with zero follow up! i truly have nothing to add anymore! spring break is sick, truly, but i think this year its filed under real misses. it's simple:
- i did not wash up on the set of MTV's Spring Break special
-there was no live performance by the All American Rejects or T.I. or anyone else, really
- it was NOTHING like the breaks The O.C had me convinced of. every year i anticipate it, and it's always a let down. there was no whipped cream, southern love interests, jilted bible club boyfriends, accidentally getting involved with a prostitute, staying at the Hard Rock, dating of Seth Cohen, overdose in an alleyway, hitching a ride to town in a chicken pen, etc. there wasn't even a Range Rover! and i actually LIVE in one of the places they visited in an episode. spring break really sucked, man.
-this is more of a general complaint, but my life does not have the likes of Imogen Heap, Jack's Mannequin, Fountains of Wayne, Nada Surf, The Dandy Warhols, Guster... sheesh. and so ON... playing in the background of any ridiculously interesting drama i have going on. and with that, i'll let you in on the extremely scientific fact that The O.C is, if you didn't know, in my mind, i mean in scientistic fact's minds, of course, the best show that has ever ran on tv. but more on that later.
- i did not go to the beach
- i did not black out
-there were many more issues
-trust me
and lets not even get into the fact it's all kind of a competition and everyone wants to know who had the most fun at the best place. although, if we're being honest, the main tie breaker is whoever did the whole thing the trashiest, and that is NOT a statement made with judgement. being trashy is a lifestyle sub-genre i am a very, very big fan of. but more on that later. in fact, in the spirit of many, many more on that later's, i'll release my official checklist that would decide who REALLY would win at the whole spring break thing. look out for that one. and y'know what? spring breaks not over until it's over. i'm getting my redemption arc. or maybe just the redemption. or the arc. we'll see how it all goes. wish me luck.
i'll consecutively be back here again. if not, ill consecutively not be here. the bottom line is that i'll do whatever i do consecutively. until i start being here sometimes. in which case i would be consecutively in-consecutive. or something.
-emogirl633
oh, and here's what i was listening to the whole time:
About a Girl by The Academy Is... :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M6ZvNmwGxs
Jane Says by Jane's Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7Q_8q3XXrQ
Once Was I by The Implants: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJGZ-xT9WF8
